Huh?

I want to share some things that have been said to me in my professional capacity as a midwife.  These are from adults, people who are having babies. . .

• "I'm having contraptions, I don't know what to do."
• I'm pretty sure my atomic fluid is broke!" or "I've got that atomic fluid coming out."
• "I don't have sex when I'm pregnant, I don't want my baby's head to look like a golf ball."
• "When do I get my epidermal?"  (epidermis = skin/epidural = pain control in labor)
• "My pussy has a cold, there is green stuff coming out."
• "I'm nervous about you seeing my HooHa."
• "I haven't done any landscaping down there recently, I can't see."  (Yep, don't drive the mower, if you can't see.)
• "Is my baby liable?"  or "I thought this ultrasound was for liability."
• "I plan on medication in labor so I don't need childbirth education."
• "We are not taking childbirth education, because we don't believe in that public touch/feeley stuff."
• "After this baby comes, I want that tubal litigation."  or "I want that tubular so I don't get pregnant anymore."
• "Can Dad cut the biblical cord?"
• "I don't plan to breastfeed, because that makes it really hard to leave the baby."  (Why have a baby if you don't want to be with it?)

I'm sure there are more, I just can't think of them right now.